We all have something to hide. Trapped within our souls is something that not even the closest people in our lives know exist. It’s a monster; It’s a depression; It’s an anger; It’s an obsession. It’s what we keep caged to ourselves in order to look somewhat sane in a already insane world. In the darkest parts of our minds rests the problems, disappointments, and sadness consumed within our lives that you wished didn’t exist, yet define who you have become. 

It’s what masks an aching heart with a smile. It’s what makes us want to be alone when you already feel lonely. It’s what haunts us at the middle of the night questioning everything you thought you understood. It’s what causes you to be numb wondering how many tragedies more you can take before giving up. It’s what makes us feel like we’re not good enough no matter how amazing you are. In the attempt to not have this darkness within exploited, it will be tucked away as voices in our heads scream for our escape when in reality our mouths will never admit our pain.

We all have something to hide. Something we will never admit to. Something that can never be fully understood by yourself or others. Something we can never be able to explain even if we wanted to share it with the world. It’s the terrifying monster that has found a home in you, that you alone face. 

We all want the truth, or so we claim, but when the truth does more damage than good, is it really worth knowing? When you know the truth, sometimes it haunts you more than when you were simply in the dark. No matter how small the truth may be, or how irrelevant it may seem, if it matters, it will eat at you and destroy you. But the worst part of all, the part that slowly tears you apart and leaves you floored and angry and confused late at night, is knowing the truth, but not understanding why.

So, why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

If I don’t recover sell this house and find something lost outside your window. Not forever, but on the night I die, I swear I’ll sleep outside your window. I feel the knife going in, I’m feeling anxious; not enough to kill me. I thought that it’d happen fast, but I’m feeling it now and I feel anxious. Sleeping inches from me; I let it pass. Baby, should I stop? Do you think I’ll make it to the morning if it’s written? Stitch it up. That kind of song that causes mother, sister, lover worry. I feel the knife going in, I’m feeling anxious. Not enough to kill me, I thought it’d happen fast, but I’m feeling it now and I feel anxious.

Sleeping inches from me; I let it pass.

One. Two. Three. Four.

Settle down with me. Cover me up. Cuddle me in. Lie down with me and hold me in your arms. Settle down with me and I’ll be your safety, you’ll be my lady. When your heart’s against my chest, your lips are pressed to my neck, I’m falling for your eyes, but they don’t know me yet. My heart’s against your chest, your lips pressed to my neck; I’ve fallen for your eyes, but they don’t know it yet. I was made to keep your body warm, but I’m cold as the wind blows, so hold me in your arms. 

I’ve been feeling everything from hate to love, from love to lust, from lust to truth. I guess that’s how I know.

So kiss me like you want to be loved, like you want to be loved, want to be loved. This feels like I’ve fallen in love, fallen in love. 

That feeling I thought I forgot; I’m falling in love now. 

We’ve fallen in love.

<3 :]

I want to draw you a floor plan of my head and heart; I want to give you directions, some helpful hints for what you’ll be looking for. I want your lungs to stop working without me. I think about writing you, I think about calling you, but what was I looking for? What am I looking for?

We shared something so common, yet still so rare; I’m in awe. I’ve never been here before; so high and we’re still climbing. But here, inside these walls we’re breaking each other’s hearts, but we don’t care because we’re in too deep. 

All eyes are on me now; all eyes are on you now.

All the times I know I should be smiling, seem to be the times I frown the most. I can’t believe that we’re still surviving because I’m slowly breaking down even when I’m holding you close. If I lose you, I’m afraid I would lose who, who I gave my love to. That’s the reason I stay around, even though I fell away. It’s killing me because I want to leave and you want to leave, but that love keeps us together.

But we’re in too deep and we can’t think about giving it up. I never knew love would feel like a heart attack. It’s killing me; I swear I’ve never cried this much. I never knew love would hurt this fucking bad. The worst pain that I ever had.

I shouldn’t go, but I really can’t help it when I feel this pressure. I know I’ll hold this loss in my heart forever; I’ll hold this loss in my heart forever. 

“Immature people falling in love destroy each other’s freedom, create a bondage, make a prison. Mature persons in love help each other to be free; they help each other to destroy all sorts of bondages. And when love flows with freedom there is beauty. When love flows with dependence there is ugliness.

A mature person does not fall in love, he or she rises in love. Only immature people fall; they stumble and fall down in love. Somehow they were managing and standing. Now they cannot manage and they cannot stand. They were always ready to fall on the ground and to creep. They don’t have the backbone, the spine; they don’t have the integrity to stand alone.

A mature person has the integrity to stand alone. And when a mature person gives love, he or she gives without any strings attached to it. When two mature persons are in love, one of the great paradoxes of life happens, one of the most beautiful phenomena: they are together and yet tremendously alone. They are together so much that they are almost one. Two mature persons in love help each other to become more free. There is no politics involved, no diplomacy, no effort to dominate. Only freedom and love.”

— Osho 

Build a wall of books between us in our bed. Repeat, repeat the words that I know we both have said. Relax into the need, we get so comfortable; remember when I was so strange and likeable? When I jerk away from holding hands with you, I know these habits hurt important parts of you. Remember when I was sweet and unexplainable? Nothing like this person, unlovable. I’m not unfaithful, but I’ll stray. 

When I get a little scared, when I get a little scared…
Run, run, run, run. 
Run.

Dark, you can’t come soon enough for me. Saved from one more day of misery. Everything I love get back for me now; everyone I love, I need you now. Don’t forget a million miles for me. Safe and another day can pass by me. Everything I love get back for me now; everyone I love, I need you now.

Hold out for the ones you know will love you. Hide out from the ones who know will love you, you too. Hide to the edge and back, be there. Slow to make my move, I’m almost there. Everything I say, I say to me first; everything I do, I do to me first. 

So what? I conned, I lied; I lied to me too. So what? I conned, I lied; I lied to me too. 
So what?

Dark, you can’t come soon enough for me.

For those days we felt like a mistake, those times when love’s what you hate. For those nights when I couldn’t be there, I’ve made it harder to know that you know that somehow we’ll keep moving on. For those doubts that swirl all around us, for those lives that tear at the seams, we know we’re not what we’ve seen. We’ll have the days we break and we’ll have the scars to prove it. We’ll have the bonds that we save, but we’ll have the heart not to lose it. We put one foot in front of the other, we move like we ain’t got no other. There’s so many wars we fought, there’s so many things we’re not, but with what we have, I promise you that we’re marching on. There ain’t no other step than one foot right in front of the other. We go when we go. We’re marching on.

When I get upset, I shut down. I feel like I should be crying or screaming or something humane but I can’t because I have officially shut down; I turned off. I don’t want to be around people and I don’t want them to be around me. I go silent and I don’t talk very much. I just sit there and think.